Author Archives: Natalia Antonova

The last of the binkie wars

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I found this month-old gif (originally a cine via Cinemagram) of mine on my phone today:

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That was the day before we moved, leaving Novogireyevo for the older and stranger neighborhood of Kuzminki, also in eastern Moscow.

Grandma had introduced Lev to the binkie when he was a few weeks old (without asking my permission, of course. Why should grandma *ever* do something like that?), and moving day was as good as any day to bid it goodbye. We figured that the thrill of a new apartment, new playgrounds, and so on, would distract Lev enough from his old habits – and we were ultimately not mistaken.

In the gif, he has just reclaimed the binkie after I had unsuccessfuly tried to hide it in the kitchen.

A reminder to me that even necessary change is often painful.

And the cars, and the bars, my Carmen

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I told the hostess I needed a nice table to work at, and I almost meant it. Almost.

But what I really needed was to just watch the Skytrain pass overhead, suck on a cocktail straw, and read Caitlin Moran. I needed to remember myself, and so I got to remembering.

What it feels like to be in a strange city at night, with no one to answer to but you – I remembered that part.

There were louche Americans at the bar, trapped without the girlfriends who had lingered westward, and I could only smile and nod at them.

Sometimes, there is too much guava and the bed is far too big – and all of these are good things.

I am all for traveling alone (I am actually traveling with my guy colleagues – but we give each other space), especially when you’re a young mother. It doesn’t always end well, and hidden dangers lurk, not the least of which is being on speakerphone with Such a Cutie and his dad, finding yourself cooing while examining imported steaks in the store down the street, finding yourself aching.

But women need the dark road too. Especially if “dark” is only a euphemism for something all together more complicated.

My own dark road is frequently genteel (unlike my actual life). I always find myself an Intercon with a lounge like a glass box, and the odd writing assignment. Guy colleagues treat me during the day, so I can afford to reserve the night for me.

In Bangkok, you feel the distant presence of the jungle. It’s in the shadows the trees cast in the artificial light. Those shadows are ravenous.

Watching Boston in sadness

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Watching the manhunt unfold on Twitter, I’m struck by the fact that I have nothing clever to say.

When I first heard that a policeman had been shot at MIT, there was no impulse to tie it to the marathon bombings. I thought these guys would be smarter, somehow, and that they would have left the city right now.

I keep coming back to that photo of Martin Richard, a little boy watching the marathon – one of the alleged bombers looming behind him.

These guys were kids themselves recently, is what I keep thinking. They most likely cried over scraped knees and took lunchboxes to school. Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was born in 1993. He’s a 90s kid, for God’s sake.

I keep thinking that having a city on lockdown is normal and reasonable. No one is questioning that decision and I don’t question it myself. But background checks for weapons, though? Totally irrational and out-of-this-world.

As a P.S. to all of this – while everyone was watching Boston, a coffee shop bomb in Baghdad killed 27 people.

There’s nothing good to report. Days like this make me want to do nothing – just shut off the phone and sit on a park bench somewhere with Lev, and watch him chase pigeons around. It’s finally warm in Moscow, and he is wearing his new little keds.

“On All Fours.” (Hokay. So. Did the new “Girls” episode feature a rape scene?)

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For a recap of what happened, and more, please see Amanda Hess on the subject.

This episode made a lot of people very uncomfortable, with good reason. I thought this was excellent television, because I fully believe that TV *should* make us uncomfortable. Obviously, I cringed as well.

What I took from it is a nice reminder that consent doesn’t necessarily equal great sex. The elephant in the room here is that sometimes, sex sucks. Some people are bad lovers. Others have the capacity to be good lovers, but, at one point or another, reveal themselves to be capable of seriously messed-up behavior.

Bad sex can be violating. It may not necessarily cross over into sexual assault in the legal sense, but it can be more than just unpleasant, it can be profoundly hurtful. It can leave emotional scars, physical scars, you name it.

I didn’t see a rape scene in the latest “Girls” episode, but I did see a woman clearly unhappy with how her new boyfriend was treating her. And I saw said boyfriend using her body to prove something to himself. It was very ugly, and it was very real. This stuff happens, even if people hardly ever talk about it. Who wants to admit they were treated like dirt by someone they had trusted?

The fact that Adam is an alcoholic who has just had a relapse is a crucial factor. He seems disgusted with himself, and it’s as if he is trying to make his girlfriend feel similar disgust. The scene starts with her making a few light-hearted, but somewhat critical comments about his apartment. He clearly seems insecure about having her over at his place. Insecure enough to punish her for it, in fact.

Dude, you have no idea.

Dude, you have no idea.

For me, the key to this scene comes immediately after Adam is done. His girlfriend, Natalia (a “cool girl name,” obviously) tells him that she “really didn’t like that.” What does he do? He gets sad and angry. He’s concerned about whether or not she will leave him now. It’s all about him, you see. If he gave a crap about her in that moment, he would comfort her, or at least apologize. But he isn’t thinking about her. He was trying to work on his insecurities through her, and that has failed, and all that worries him is possible rejection.

That’s the other thing about bad sex – it happens, and you can’t take it back, but there are different ways of confronting it. If your lover complains to you afterwards – something that Natalia did immediately – you listen and discuss, understanding that they just did you a favor. If your lover is in distress, you comfort them, or give them space, should they need space. You absolutely do not get to make it all about you, jackass.

Emily Heist Moss wrote that “On All Fours” was a reminder that most men are way more physically powerful than most women out there - and terrifying things happen when that power is not used for good.

For me, that has always been just another dull fact of life to contend with, but lately, I’ve been thinking about how little is actually said on the subject. We tend to gloss over the amount of trust a woman puts into them every time she allows herself to be vulnerable with a man. And in many ways, we set women up to lose. Too vigilant? She’s obviously a “psycho” then. Get hurt? Well, clearly, the bitch had it coming – stupid enough as she was to trust the wrong person.

I hate to go all “Spiderman” on you guys, but great power? Great responsibility? Hello?