Cheese, Please

Favourite awesomely cheesy films, in no particular order:

“Kingdom of Hotness… er, Heaven.”

“Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.” Morgan Freeman is priceless in this. Kevin Costner does not deliver his lines, he merely mumbles them, in a kind of Midwestern accent, no less. Alan Rickman hams it up, and there’s a cool witch lady who’s cute in a vague gremlin-like fashion.

“Titanic.”

“Love, Actually.” Well, it’s part cheese and part something else entirely. It goes down very well, especially on a cold night in Durham.

“Braveheart.” They may take my life, but they’ll never take my image of Mel Gibson in a kilt, minus the psychoshit.

“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.” The first two parts of the trilogy did not strike as particularly cheese-laden. Not so with this one. Aragorn turns into a pussycat in the end, and there is that whole bouncing-on-the-bed business to consider.

“The Brotherhood of the Wolf.” Or, “Le Pacte Des Loups.” This film has a lot of bite, har har, but Samuel Le Bihan is a classic cheese-hero here. And I love him for it. This movie is a whole lot smarter than most of the other ones on my list.

“Troy.” It was marketed wrong. It’s an epic comedy.

“Sleepless in Seattle.” In my opinion, one has to have at least one Meg Ryan film on a list like this. I think other people would put “Jerry McGuire” in this slot, but “Jerry McGuire” is not enjoyable, the great Bruce Springsteen tune notwithstanding (why THE HELL do they always play it with the awful sound clips from the movie? It’s a good song, it stands on its own, stop raping it).

“Independence Day.” The Bill Pullman speech alone makes this one a winner.

“Army of Darkness.” ‘Cause baby, you got real ugly.

What’s sad about all of this is the marginal roles that women often play in such films, in spite of their often superb performances (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio made Kevin Costner look like a coked-out drama school reject in their scenes together, for example). I want sheroes who are more than the sum of two heaving bosoms, so that the women playing them shine because of the role, as opposed to in spite of it. I want Kiera Knightley’s character in “King Arthur,” in a more enjoyable cheesefest.

Eva Green’s horny Sybilla was a step in the right direction, no matter how much “Kingdom of Hotness” was trashed.