If You Want to Adopt a Pet from a Shelter this Christmas

Here are some easy steps you can take to prevent the shelter staff from ripping your throat out and ruining your holiday:

1. Don’t stand by with a “awww-isn’t-this-cute” look on your face while your two-year old attempts to climb into the raging, bite-quarantined Pit Bull’s cage.

2. Don’t tell the front desk staff that your prospective pet is actually a present for your geriatric mother who “don’t know a German Shepherd from a gerbil ‘nymore, haw haw.”

3. Don’t start a screaming match with your spouse – particularly if it begins with “I think a little kitten is better than a little puppy” and culminates in “you never listen and I never should have married you.”

4. Don’t let your kids dribble snot all over the front counter.

5. Don’t ask the shelter staff if a kitten “comes in a different color.”

6. Don’t complain loudly when you realize that keeping puppies outside in freezing temperature is frowned upon.

7. Don’t talk about how you’d rather go to a “top breeder,” and proceed to qualify this with a resigned “Christmas is a time for giving, though!”

8. Don’t ask whether or not you can “out-bid” someone on an already adopted animal.

9. Don’t. Put. Your. Fingers. In. The. Fucking. Cages.

10. And finally, please, for all that is holy, don’t ask a thousand questions, especially if all of them are along the lines of “how do I get this thing to stop if it suddenly decides to start licking my ass?”

7 thoughts on “If You Want to Adopt a Pet from a Shelter this Christmas

  1. By licking their asses back.

    It shocks them into submission, you see. Tigers especially.

    Anyone bring any tigers to the shelter?

  2. Haha. Thanks Tom!

    It’s funny tigers should be mentioned – considering the fact that in some states (many states?) there is technically now law against keeping a tiger.

    And so some of these animals end up malnourished and abused, or they just devour their owners.

    I’m not sure if we’ve had a tiger in recent memory though. I believe there was a donkey in the summer…

  3. Hi, Natalie

    It was a whole chain of events that brought me here, but here I am and glad to be

    My apologies for being lost for so long, but (judging by the fact that it’s past 4AM and I’m still on my keyboard) it’s been a busy life for me these several months

    That does not mean I did not think of you now and again 🙂

    But still, apologies are due, and I do offer them, and ask for forgiveness

    Hope you’ve been faring well (Alas, have no time on my hands to read the whole blog, despite the fact I always enjoyed reading your writings)

    Drop me a line if you feel like to and when you find the time

    And cheers

    GL a.k.a HerenIstarion

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