Because this is more fun than writing my own reviews

Oh what the hell – I’ll link to Stephanie Zacharek’s review of “300.”

The world may wonder which character in this computer-generated extravaganza is President Bush’s stand-in — but that’s the wrong question to ask.

Yes.

But the film has a poreless, waxen quality, as if all sensuality had been P.airbrushed out of it: The actors struggle valiantly to take hold of their characters, but deep down they know they’ve donated their bodies, and their faces, to science.

No.

Dude, you got turned on by that “hair” scene in “Possession” (I know it was, like, years ago, but I have the memory of an elephant), and now you’re telling me this?

To each their own, I guess.

Spartan he-men spout declarative sentences like “Only Spartan women give birth to real men!”

No.

Queen Gorgo said that. That quote is actually historically attributed to her. Well, supposedly. I wasn’t there at the time.

…and sneer at their fellow city-staters, the Athenians, calling them — with straight faces — “boy lovers.”

Yes.

I’ve read that Spartan culture tended to be more heterosexual than Athenian culture – at least by the Ancient Greek definition. I’ve also read that there was definitely some sneering between the two cities, and that the biggest sneerer was actually Aristotle. Though then again, I wasn’t there at the time.

“300,” even with its impressive vistas of computer-generated soldiers, is just a throwaway epic.

Yeah, and this is coming from someone who thought that “White Noise” had a genuine element of spookiness to it. Riiiight. Us elephants – we never forget.

Seriously, has no one picked up on what the genuinely bad elements are in this movie? I’ll make it easy on the planet, it’s basically two things: 1) David Wenham’s narrating – I like films with narrating, but he is trying to do some sort of weird pirate voice… I keep expecting him to bust out with an “arrrr! Shiver me timbers!” He sort of makes up for it by looking, to put it mildly, architecturally impressive, but this element still, ah, rubs me the wrong way. 2) The sex scene. Now, I’m probably biased, because I thought it was going to be mind-blowing after Gerard Butler said something to that extent. I can see how it could have been mind-blowing (and grinding, and *cough*), and the fact that it didn’t work has nothing to do with the actors, who were very much on top (yes, I meant to write that). No, the problem has to do with the fade-outs, the music, and the slow motion. It just doesn’t grab me because of the way that it was put together – although my standards are ridiculously high in this regard. As high as Mr. Mackie when he attempts to run away to India, in fact.

Alright, I’m done now, I swear.

P.S. Let’s give Stephanie Zacharek some credit, though, at least she doesn’t imply that “300” fans are a bunch of brainwashed Nazis. In this sense – her review is refreshing.

5 thoughts on “Because this is more fun than writing my own reviews

  1. i’ve read alot of reviews. i loved the movie, which i watched before reading the reviews. and i like your review the best

  2. i haven’t seen the movie yet, but i was reading about the battle in herodotus, and one thing i noticed he said was that all of the spartans “had living children at home” – so they were not (most likely) adolescents themselves (like so many of our own soldiers today) but grown men, and i wondered if it was portrayed like that in the film.

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