Because I have writer’s block: this one’s for you, Julio Cespedes of Mississippi State

Yeah, douchey columns in college newspapers are a dime a dozen. ONTD, however, highlighted one that is so good, even this man-hater had to put down the gun and check that shit. Basically, some sensitive soul over at Mississippi State watched “G.I. Jane” and subsequently grabbed for the smelling salts. There was violence and graphic language and politics! Demi Moore shaved her head and said “suck my dick”! Well, I never!… Anyway, after getting up off his fainting couch, our hero vented his confusion to the universe, and here are the choice bits:

Extreme feminism tells us women are the same as men.

You mean like, how it talks about how both women and men are human beings? Extreme, bro.

We can talk about equal opportunity all we want, but does anybody really believe that it’s a victory for women to submit themselves to a system which reveres manhood (equaling physical strength and courage and the right to say that infamous three-word phrase which I can not even put into print)?

Well, gee. Last time I pried my ass off the chair and away from the desk I am currently chained to and took a look at the outside world, I was struck by a shocking revelation: manhood is revered in general on this planet. Who owns the vast percentage of the world’s wealth? Who runs the vast percentage of the world’s countries? Who coined the phrase “big swinging dick” as a symbol of authority? Who decides shit around here?

Every single one of us exists within a system that “reveres manhood,” women in the military just tend to have it a helluva a lot tougher, because, aside from the demands placed upon them, their presence is a direct challenge to the status quo. And yet you have the (gendered terminology alert!) balls to ask whether or not they want to be in the game in the first place? Why ever would you think that any of these women owe you an explanation? Wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re an entitled jackass now, would it?

It is time for post-feminism – a movement which will recognize the equality of women to men, but one which will also realize their differences.

In other words: But you have boobies and stuff! I want access to the boobies without having to worry about some female cadet kicking my ass!

there is no denying women have an incredible gift that a measly, maggot man will never have

Now isn’t this sweet? It’s a bit like those passive aggressive people who say things like, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and stare down into their beer mugs with a soulful expression you want to smack right off their faces. He’s not sexist, ladies! Why, he humbles himself before your mysterious lady-parts! He humbles himself so much, that he feels the need to remind you that you, you know, have them, ’cause you never know, your addled lady brain might forget!

You are a measly maggot, Julio, just not for the reasons you imagine.

Human life can literally flourish in your womb, can feed on your own body and because of that, you will have a connection to life on a level that I will never understand.

Neither will you ever understand how a world where manhood is revered pretty much punishes women daily for producing said human life while cloaking said punishment in rhetoric about the mystical beauty of motherhood [not that motherhood isn’t beautiful, but let’s not pretend as though said beauty isn’t used against women as a way to get them to shut up and sit down]. I mean, one can hope, but I’m not holding my breath.

Forgive me for wanting to protect you, forgive me for being a gentleman and opening the door for your, forgive me for allowing you to make me “weaker,” forgive me for holding you to a higher standard you sometimes view as “oppression.”

Oh, like the higher standard that allows guys like you to high-five their dudebros upon getting laid, while the girl in the situation gets stuck with the label of “skank”? The higher standard that somehow makes you, a college senior who doesn’t have an freaking career yet, think you’re qualified to dispense wisdom on the military careers of women? That higher standard?

I know, I know. You want to bake a cake with rainbows. You just have a lot of feelings. You would shed tears, but you’re just way too manly.

Here’s what Robin Hood thinks of these shenanigans:

12 thoughts on “Because I have writer’s block: this one’s for you, Julio Cespedes of Mississippi State

  1. Idiots like this is why I didn’t date in college. Part of it’s his age, but that doesn’t give him a pass. Ugh. On the bright side, he’s probably a closeted and frustrated young man, so he’ll never really want to date women anyway. (Or at least, so I hope.)

  2. Hey now. The Deep South is a beautiful place. This guy is just a jerk who’s late to the party. But clever in his own way; because attacking women currently serving in Iraq would be an issue, he attacks Demi Moore.

  3. It’d be a lovelier place without the people. There are a few people who’ve got their heads on straight: Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, MLK jr, Coretta Scott King, but the smart people are outnumbered by the assholes.

  4. Ha! Natalia 1 – Douchebag – 0

    Mind you, you have to feel sorry for the guy, he fails at the interwebs AND life in general. That takes some going.

    BTW, I LOVE your new header! 🙂

  5. Oh, good…a Maroon. Even better…a Maroonie maroon.

    Yeah…Nice to see that Starkville’s not lost their unique sense of humor.

    Great fisking as per the usual, Natalia.

    Anthony

  6. “Forgive me for wanting to protect you, forgive me for being a gentleman and opening the door for your, forgive me for allowing you to make me “weaker,” forgive me for holding you to a higher standard you sometimes view as “oppression.”

    -points and laughs-

    Okay, you’re forgiven, Chuckles. Now, forgive me for not giving a shit. Or, don’t. See above re: “not giving a shit.”

    Can I just ask: what is some peoples’ fetish with “door opening” already? Dude, it’s just *polite* to open the door if you get there first. It’s not exactly dragon slaying, you know?

  7. Natalia: Don’t forget that I’m from (and currently spending my 36th year in) a state described as “Mississippi with good roads,” according to our dearly departed Political Poet Laureate, Molly Ivins.

    As for our columnist, when they finally get access to “I Shot Andy Warhol” in 2014, it’ll really blow his mind.

  8. As for our columnist, when they finally get access to “I Shot Andy Warhol” in 2014, it’ll really blow his mind.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    This entire affair makes me sad I’ve never been to Starkvegas.

  9. Hey there. Found this just now, due to boredom and insomnia. I’m sorry that this is the impression you got from my article. It was heavily edited, and so in a sense I can understand how you could feel that way. Here is a comment I posted to my article which might clear some things up for you:

    It is an honest and then therefore lazy mistake if this article seemed as if I was boxing the womb as the only valuable single trait of a woman. I apologize for you taking it that way.

    What it comes down to is that your reality is real (whether it is real or not) in terms of its consequences. I in no way meant to bring up the womb as a means of belittling women or to “reduce” them. It was meant for opposite effect. How beautiful it is, along with so many other things. You simply have chosen to criticize my choice of example and view it as some “reduction” or “belittling” and as degrading, so of course the consequences of this are extreme offense.

    If I had said something to the likes of well at least I’m thankful for your procreation abilities, then yes, I could definitely understand how that would be warranted, but my example was not used at all for that. It’s mind boggling to me that you took it that way, so I guess that’s my fault for my infantile writing abilities.

    So my question then is: does this offend you because you feel that true feminism is some complete equality that is sexless? In an ideal world would men and women both then have the same sexual characteristics? Because men are different from women in that respect. There’s no denying that. (is there?)

    And that’s what this article was about. Because I think that the climax of this movie–when Demi Moore yells “suck my d—!”– (the three word phrase) and gets the respect of her men that way, by being viewed as a man, would repulse any feminist. That is not equality to me. And that’s why I put in the example about the uterus. Because it saddened me that in the movie Demi Moore had to deny something (her own reproductive organs) that undeniably makes her different than men (but in no way less equal)in order to viewed as an equal among her male peers.

    That’s what I was trying to say. And I wish they had not edited out “suck my d—!” because that probably would have made things more clear.

    But I think overall this has been a great discourse, I’m glad it is civil and respectful.

    And yes, that was foolish of me to call third wave feminism post-feminism. I also understand that a movement of course has many factions, so yes I do concede that I was not specific enough and merely speaking of it in generic terms is ignorant and dangerous.

    Julio

  10. I don’t think there’s anything offensive about a woman screaming “suck my dick” if she wants to scream “suck my dick.” Especially considering the context of the situation, and who’s she’s talking to. I’m a firm believer of speaking to people in a language they can understand (hence my liberal use of animated gifs). Let’s face it, traditionally, the military is a male-dominated institution. “Suck my tit” does not compute.

    There’s a common assumption of people who are thoroughly unfamiliar with the real issues women face – such as women in the military, for example – “oh, you just want to deny the fact that I’ve got a dick and you’ve got a pussy.” You think these women who get up and go to work every morning – in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, for example – need to be educated on the subject? Ha ha.

    Though personally, as a heterosexual woman who has relationships with men, I’m shocked, SHOCKED by the suggestion that they’ve got different equipment.

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