I just read gay Strelkov porn so you wouldn’t have to

Note: After I wrote this post, I made the decision to insert a bunch of gifs with hot men in them. It’s not for you – it’s for me. To preserve my soul.

When Heather McRobie alerted me to the fact that erotic gay fan fiction featuring Igor Strelkov (Girkin), former (?) separatist leader in eastern Ukraine (and he’s actually from Russia, btw), was for sale on Amazon, I knew I had to take one for the team. Kind of like Batman – if Batman sat at home in a bathrobe and wrote about porn.

bale is amused

So here are some essential facts about “Sucking Strelkov”:

– Great title!

– It’s all downhill from the moment you read that great title!

– And it’s almost as if this story, which is 5,7k words long, was written specifically for a journalist to discover it and start shrieking about it on the internet. Immediately, from the way it is written, you start to suspect that it was written by a journalist as well. Or, at the very least, someone who has done a lot of traveling in Ukraine in recent months. HMMMMMM.

daario winks

– The narrator is a lady. It makes me think the author is a lady.

– I’m not the main target audience for hot dude-on-dude action, but I can still recognize something hot when I see it (or read it). “Sucking Strelkov” is NOT hot. It’s not because the writing is bad, mind you. The author knows her subject matter. She knows, for example, that gay sex is a touchy (sorry) subject in Russia right now. She knows the Russian obsession with bureaucracy. She knows a whole lot, in fact.

jon snow knows

– Strelkov is tired, emotionless, and has a small dick. That, combined with the fact that Strelkov rapes a dude in this story, makes me think that a bunch of Novorossiya fans – who are generally all about manliness and glory, among other things – would get VERY pissed off if they read this. And maybe that’s the point?

– The Russian cult of heterosexual masculinity has been getting a lot of pushback in Europe in recent months. Everyone’s tired of Russians being all MANLIER THAN THOU all the time. This story appears to tap into that – whether consciously or unconsciously.

– This story is really all about rape, but the word “rape” is never mentioned. That also makes it realistic. Rape is often a tool of war – and in war zones, it frequently takes on an almost casual quality.

– The author doesn’t like Strelkov, but her brief descriptions of him make me believe that she has watched a fair bit of footage of him, at the very least. She taps into the ambivalence of his public persona really well.

– Did I mention that this is really, honestly, completely not hot?

– Paying nearly two dollars for this is a rip-off – but it also makes me think as though the whole “east Ukraine separatists” thing could be its own genre. If PTERODACTYL PORN exists, why not?

– I feel icky now.

loki is all like um

16 thoughts on “I just read gay Strelkov porn so you wouldn’t have to

  1. It sounds really grim – I thought it sounded kind of funny/ kitschy when someone posted the link, but if it is about abuse, then that’s obviously different. The tagline I read when someone posted it on twitter just made it sound like a kitschy Carry On film, I wouldn’t have gone ‘lol, hilarious’ if I’d known there was an abuse element in it — that makes me feel a bit queasy. So, yeah, sorry for saying it sounded funny from its description when it has ended up just reminding me of the real horrible things that happen in wars. – Heather

  2. If it’s a female journalist who knows a lot about Ukraine and writes in English, it’s probably just you. Honestly it’s transparent. And sickening! You have a sick enough mind to write a story like that if previous posts are any indication. You certainly don’t seem to have any qualms about the porn industry. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  3. I will take the 2 bucks you just saved me and put it towards the PTERODACTYL PORN, that’s gotta be … er … different! $2.99! for Kindle edition! Heck I can afford that since I can’t spend my cash on the Starbucks we don’t have here in Ukraine.

  4. Look, I don’t mind your work at RBTH, love. Frankly, they’ve always managed to attracted interesting writers, and why shouldn’t we in Britain read about the views of Lavrov in a paid supplement? At least we’re staying informed. There can be no surprises.

    But when you take to the bloody Moscow Times to write about how Kiev needs to show “compassion” to Donbass, I admit I lose it. Kiev doesn’t owe “compassion” to anyone. It’s a well-known fact that loyal civilians have long since fled Donbass. Sad that some of the more deluded ones may meet a violent fate by accident, but this is war. Even a woman can understand that.

    So stick to your work at RBTH and stick to porn analysis, but don’t assail us with this “peace on earth” nonsense.

    PS Auburn is better than brunette for you, makes your eyes look even bluer. Ultimately, I’d like to see you back as a blonde. If that’s chauvinist I couldn’t give a fuck, I’m afraid.

  5. So civilians caught in the conflict in east Ukraine deserve their fate? Good to know, Mr. No-Fucks-Given-While-I-Sit-In-My-Cozy-Home-In-Britain Disgruntled Hairdresser Type. xx

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