How NOT to friend me on Facebook

Message me with any variation on the following: “hai can we be friendz lol bye.”

Ask me the following: “u look hot to handle… will I melt if I touch?”

Have any of the following in the Interests section of your profile: “f(uc)king girls,” (thank you so much for clarifying, it’s good to know you’re not into farm animals)

“getting laid,”

“buying new threads,”

“p(us)sy posse” (the only thing sadder that Leonardo Dicaprio’s 1990’s public persona is imitating Leonardo Dicaprio’s 1990’s public persona),

“livin’ it up” (the apostrophe says it all),

“da bomb” (why is that still in your lexicon? And why is it part of your interests? Are you into linguistic terrorism?),

and “laughing at fat people” (I have done a fair amount of fat-shaming in my life, before I realized just how inexcusable that sort of thing was. But Jay-sus, putting that in a social networking profile is something that I wouldn’t have done on my worst day. You’re a loser. Bye).

Put up a magazine scan of an oiled-up torso as your profile picture.

List various body parts as “favourite food” in the About Me section and, furthermore, direct my attention to this.

Tell me that “The Da Vinci Code is really, really deep.”

12 thoughts on “How NOT to friend me on Facebook

  1. Hehe….I came to this post because I have a Google Alert for Leonardo DiCaprio (love him to pieces!)…very interesting what comes to my mailbox this way.
    Actually, I find facebook really boring. You can do nothing with it than write things in your profile and add friends. I love MySpace!

  2. I know facebook can be a little depressing. I sent you a mature and sensitive facebook message to cheer you up 🙂

  3. “Actually, I find facebook really boring. You can do nothing with it than write things in your profile and add friends.”

    And play Scrabulous.

  4. Fantastic post 😀

    I think Facebook is dying a very slow death for me – even Scrabulous draws a weary sigh, while I kicked the Wagoneers within three days.

    The sole boon is that I can keep up with the latest exploits of my friends around the world.

    Okay. I confess: I am a heinous long-distance friend and rely on Facebook to maintain life-long friendships. I duly bow my head in shame… 😉

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