I have to admit this, I am one of those sappy, boring people who generally cannot bring themselves to make vicious fun of anyone’s quest for love, no matter how idiotic or misguided. Unless I read something like this, that is.
I suppose I could get all serious at this juncture, and talk about how self-hating women might flock to this guy, eager to be validated by his “high standards.” I could, but I’m not going to, because it’s not going to change anyone’s mind. I’ve seen friends, both men and women, drift from one abusive relationship to another, and I learned that keeping a lid on well-meaning advice and making yourself available should the person in question come to you for help is all you can do. Otherwise, you look like an ass, the other person feels like an ass, and there is that weird, awkward vibe that can never be quite erased no matter how many times you get drunk together or gossip online at four a.m.
So. Moving on.
There’s lots of gems scattered about this gentleman’s narrative regarding his search for the perfect woman, the rules of courtship, the meaning of the word “whore,” etc. Here are, however, some of my favourites:
In regards to his “Quick Disqualification List”:
You were born male. It is so disgusting, the number of males that think I should be interested in them because they cross dress or had a gender changing operation. YUK!!!
OMFG! Is his other name Janice Raymond?
You cannot walk seven (7) miles non-stop averaging 1 mile per 20 minutes and without drinking or eating anything during the walk.
Is he looking for a wife or a mule? Just saying, because there are lovely Jordanian donkeys I’d like him to meet. Sure, they may not necessarily have the right cup size, but seven miles to them is like seven dollars to Roman Abramovich. Just saying.
# My preferred height for my wife is between 5’4″ (162 cm) to 5’8″ (172 cm)…
# Though most men like large breasts, I don’t. The larger the breasts, the more I’m turned off romantically. Bra size 32 B is my preferred, but any size up to 36 C, depends on your height, is good…
# Weight wise, for the following heights, the indicated weights, give or take 10 pounds, are generally best, the less weight the better. However, depending on your build, an acceptable weight may be quite different…
1. 5’0″ – 90 lbs or less
2. 5’4″ – 120 lbs or less
3. 5’8″ – 140 lbs or less
His other name isn’t Janice Raymond – it’s Buffalo Bill.
He clearly wants to make a lampshade out of “the young girl to become his wife.” Nobody is that specific without an ulterior motive – a bloody and gruesome ulterior motive that’s going to get splashed all over the newspapers and make a fortune for Court TV.
You know what sucks? I pretty much fit the parameters. My fear of getting serial-killed has just, like, quadrupled.
Sorry, but when it comes to turning me on, light chocolate to white skin color is needed. However, there are exceptions for darker skin, but they have to be very beautiful.
I’m sure that ladies with “dark chocolate” skin are devastated right now.
As my wife, you will have no desire for a career of your own, since as my wife your career will be working side by side with me starting and running our own businesses (Yes, I’ve started and ran my own successful businesses in the past). Only my future wife and me will know the details of the businesses until they are started. All you will know now is that they will be financial in nature, they will help others financially.
Buffallo Bill meets the lost heir to an oil fortune in Nigeria!
First we get the serial killer vibe, now it’s the online scammer vibe complete with “businesses… financial in nature.”
You are a hard worker. My wife to be and I will work hard together, play hard, rest well, and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Our work will have us traveling all around America. The fruits of our labor will enable us to travel around the world if we choose.
“Traveling all around America” – on the run from FBI agents. Sure, it could be romantic, in its own way. Until it ends in a shoot-out at a motel with fluorescent lighting in the bathroom and leaves in the pool.
I know what I want, she is out there, I will find her, and contrary to those of you who say such things as: “Only a desperate or insane woman would want you.”, my woman will be 100 times the woman you could ever hope to obtain for yourself. I’m amazed at how they are so envious over a woman I have yet to obtain.
I know this is like grenade-blasting fish in a barrel, but I just love the word “obtain.” It’s so cute. It’s like he’s going to the candy shop with the five-dollar bill that mother gave him, and all the other kids on the street are jeeeeeeelus.
Do NOT Fall in Love with Me until I say so!
Is anyone else going “OH SHIT” right now? Curse my impatience!
If I find that you are the girl I want, I will send you an email containing instructions for you to take pictures of yourself wearing certain clothes and in certain poses. These pictures will prove to me that you are not some man or woman with pictures found on the internet or somewhere else of a young pretty girl whom you are pretending to be and also prove that you are seriously interested in me. Thus far, no one has passed this step. These are the proof pictures
Buffalo Bill meets lost heir to fortune in Nigeria meets enterprising gentleman who’ll sell your pictures to fetishist photo galleries! You’ll never see a dime! I don’t care if all he asks you to do is wear a red sweater and hold up a baby kitten!
As far as you are concerned, you are the only girl I’m interested in, but until you are in my arms, I will still be searching and I could be very much interested in another girl.
“In my arms” = dismembered in my basement. In the best case scenario, that is.
God makes the whore of a wife responsible for causing her husband to stumble. Wives who have become whores are under the unmistaken belief that they share no culpability for their husband’s unfaithfulness.
Translation: if I cheat on you, I’ll blame you for it. You didn’t put out enough. Whore.
Honestly, this is the first time I’ve seen a woman who doesn’t have enough sex referred to as a “whore.” Is there some sort of weird subculture that I’ve totally missed out on for the past twenty-four years or so? Must be.
I wonder what else he’s going to blame his lucky lady for:
The weather? The stock market? Not being able to get it up after a few beers?
I know he thanks the people who make fun of him for helping him advertise himself, and to that I say, “thank YOU.” I can already see the Coen Brothers film in the making here, and I want my cut, dammit.