The Bloop! The Great Wyrm Rises! And Lake Somino!

Because it has recently popped up in a Cracked article, I have been reminded of my fasination with the Bloop. Now, as I have written previously on this site – my father once had a fascinating encounter with an enormous creature that’s not supposed to exist. It happened off the coast of Crimea, during a military diving exercise. My dad was in the water that night with a fellow navyman, and although his friend corroborated his story, the entire incident was written off on paranoia.

My father said the creature looked like an enormous sea worm, which lead me to dub it the Great Wyrm in later years. It couldn’t breathe fire, considering it was in the sea, but who knows what it can do if it can scramble up on land? Anything, my friends, anything.

My father’s Great Wyrm couldn’t possibly have been large enough to make the Bloop noise that has so mystified both scientists and Lovecraft fans, but the entire incident does make you wonder about how the sea is still basically a vast, unexplored, and bizarre realm where all sorts of crazy shit can happen. Evolution states we rose out of the sea, but the way back has been hard to find. And now that we have begun to dip our toes all over again, thanks to technology, who knows what we’re going to find, or what’s going to find us?

The creepiest thing ever is listening to the Bloop in “real time” (thanks, BloopWatch.org!), without noise reduction. Go ahead, try it, and then tell me how you’ll avoid dreaming about insanely huge monsters opening their cavernous mouths in the deep, dark, cold waters of the ocean and emitting horrifying signals of doom and destruction before snacking on hapless bystanders.

Aside from the vengeful and hungry Bloop-maker and my father’s Wyrm , tales of an insane monster have long circulated in a village in Ukraine. Naturally, these tales appeal to us by reminding us of our fears of the deep in particular. The monster of Polessye is probably a giant catfish (as if that isn’t traumatic enough to consider), but what’s interesting about the story is how it has endured wars and regime changes. And it’s not as if it is presently being used to lure in curious tourists either. It does make you want to take a trip out to Lake Somino and see for yourself.

Of course, if that last sentence above isn’t one for the Famous Last Words Hall Of Fame, I don’t know what is.

I’ve done some research on Russian-language sites in regards to Somino, and came up with this. It looks like a perfectly normal boating trip interrupted by bizarre bubbling in the water in Lake Somino. Could be Photoshop, but the author appears completely unaware of weird legends surrounding the lake, and jokes that the bubbling was created by a “submarine.” He has lots of pretty pictures of the region, by the way.

I’ve always been afraid of deep water. The occurrence of the Bloop and weird Lake Somino crap is, quite obviously, the universe’s way of pointing out “Natalia is right, you fuckers” to the rest of the human race. With all of the weird climate change going on in the world today, I’m betting that more and more sea monsters will be arising out of the depths in search of food. And that’s when fear of deep water will become a necessary survival skill. Or so I have decided, anyway.

When I was a child, my fear of deep water was strengthened by a creepy experience I had in the river Uzh (ALSO located in Western Ukraine! *dum dum dum* Coincidence? We think not). I was just splashing around near the bank when I distinctly felt someone, or something, grab my ankle in a cold, icy grip that felt like a ghostly hand. I screamed, the thing let go, and I scrambled out of the water and waited for whoever it was to surface.

I assumed it was my cousins being assholes. But nothing and no one ever did surface, and I had a perfect view of the rive in either direction. And my startled cousins had heard my scream and scrambled out from behind the trees where one of them had been sneaking a cigarette. And the beach was totally uncrowded. And the mystery endures.

It’s my opinion that I had an encounter with an enraged Undine.

And as for the Bloop – well, I’m imagining a massive, intelligent monster thing made out of tentacles, fangs, barnacles, and death. I wonder if it will come up to snack on ships in my lifetime. I hope I’ll be proven wrong, but, as they say, stay tuned.