Complaints

I miss carbohydrates
I miss the conviction
That rotten floorboards beneath my feet
Will give in at some later date
When I’ve moved on to greater things
That are owed to me by fate.
I miss kissing him
Outside that restaurant
(See how I’m not addressing him?
It must prove that I am repentant).
I miss saying “no” as easily
As sliding hand into glove;
Come to think of it
I miss my good winter things
And how unlike other phenomena
They could always be counted on.
I miss staring contests with the bottom of the glass
And I equally miss losing them.
I don’t miss pouring my own wine,
But I do miss choosing it.
I miss when rebellion meant
A nothing that came of nothing
As worn beneath my coat
I miss taking for granted
My ability to rain down a bit of destruction
In an insignificant corner
Of an altogether backward
Permanently twilit
Part of the world.
I miss being nobody’s vassal
Unless you counted those pale moth wings
Like the evening’s fluttering eyelids
And I’m sure you didn’t.
I miss split ends cut off by that woman
Split ends like golden forks in the road
Either way beset by trouble
Either way portending love.
I miss not missing my handsome jailer
Feeling for keys on his belt
And saying “it’s over” to my friends
Like an apology
For a terrible screw-up
A disaster so immense
That they had to cancel
Important dinner plans.
While I’m at it, I miss real friends
Those who don’t mind putting a blanket
Over my shoulders and theirs
To go and watch meteorites
Tear through the dark seams of the sky.
“One undone, another undone,
They’ll say it about us someday –
They were lovely as they shone
Why couldn’t they stay.”
And I miss the force per unit area
We had from sitting next to each other
When it felt that should it get a little colder
We could pull down the sky together
Spread it over our touching knees
And I could quit worrying my caged predator teeth
And bite its soft corner.
I miss the men
Who’ll think it’s about them
But not all, not all.
I miss the dog paused on the stair
Gazing into the changing shadows of the hall
Waiting for whatever was next
And whatever was next was nothing at all –
And how lucky that was for us both.
I miss the Carolina spring
Beautiful like a woman in a bar with someone else
Beautiful like only that which cannot be possessed
Leaning against the fence
And describing the sun
To disbelieving gnomes and spiders beneath the leaves
See, I knew I was going to write
I didn’t know there’d be a price like this.
The snow is already busy concealing the footprints
Of boys who won’t return from war
Having hidden behind their broad backs
I have missed them all.

winter thaw kuindzhi
Winter. Thaw. By Arkhip Kuindzhi, 1895.

 

6 thoughts on “Complaints

  1. How achingly middle class to write poems and essays about exboyfriends while Ukraine burns. I sought out your blog seeing it recommended on No BS Russia, thinking that there would be equally good analysis, but this is so frivolous and exploitative that I first at thought it was a joke and the owner of No BS was being subtly ironic when recommending your work to his readers. Let me guess, you probably call yourself “sex positive,” have named both of your breasts, went to a liberal arts college in the Northeast, are conspicuously vegetarian, and chronicle your extremely limited life experience on the pages of this blog in the hopes of landing a book deal. A Ukrainian Lena Dunham who fetishizes and appropriates the experience of the real Ukrainian woman who does not possess a voice due to being elbowed out by the likes of you. The faux lesbian image on top of this blog is touching. I hope you enjoy your privileged New York existence while your country literally burns.

  2. @ Trozub — “… your extremely limited life experience …”

    Read Natalia’s blog archives since 2007. Then decide how limited is her life experience.

  3. The latest post prompted me to go back through the archives to see if I’d missed any staggeringly beautiful work with similar themes/tags and came across this…

    I was totally struck by this . It is breathtaking and haunting all at the same time.

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