Yeah, douchey columns in college newspapers are a dime a dozen. ONTD, however, highlighted one that is so good, even this man-hater had to put down the gun and check that shit. Basically, some sensitive soul over at Mississippi State watched “G.I. Jane” and subsequently grabbed for the smelling salts. There was violence and graphic language and politics! Demi Moore shaved her head and said “suck my dick”! Well, I never!… Anyway, after getting up off his fainting couch, our hero vented his confusion to the universe, and here are the choice bits:

Extreme feminism tells us women are the same as men.

You mean like, how it talks about how both women and men are human beings? Extreme, bro.

We can talk about equal opportunity all we want, but does anybody really believe that it’s a victory for women to submit themselves to a system which reveres manhood (equaling physical strength and courage and the right to say that infamous three-word phrase which I can not even put into print)?

Well, gee. Last time I pried my ass off the chair and away from the desk I am currently chained to and took a look at the outside world, I was struck by a shocking revelation: manhood is revered in general on this planet. Who owns the vast percentage of the world’s wealth? Who runs the vast percentage of the world’s countries? Who coined the phrase “big swinging dick” as a symbol of authority? Who decides shit around here?

Every single one of us exists within a system that “reveres manhood,” women in the military just tend to have it a helluva a lot tougher, because, aside from the demands placed upon them, their presence is a direct challenge to the status quo. And yet you have the (gendered terminology alert!) balls to ask whether or not they want to be in the game in the first place? Why ever would you think that any of these women owe you an explanation? Wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re an entitled jackass now, would it?

It is time for post-feminism – a movement which will recognize the equality of women to men, but one which will also realize their differences.

In other words: But you have boobies and stuff! I want access to the boobies without having to worry about some female cadet kicking my ass!

there is no denying women have an incredible gift that a measly, maggot man will never have

Now isn’t this sweet? It’s a bit like those passive aggressive people who say things like, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and stare down into their beer mugs with a soulful expression you want to smack right off their faces. He’s not sexist, ladies! Why, he humbles himself before your mysterious lady-parts! He humbles himself so much, that he feels the need to remind you that you, you know, have them, ’cause you never know, your addled lady brain might forget!

You are a measly maggot, Julio, just not for the reasons you imagine.

Human life can literally flourish in your womb, can feed on your own body and because of that, you will have a connection to life on a level that I will never understand.

Neither will you ever understand how a world where manhood is revered pretty much punishes women daily for producing said human life while cloaking said punishment in rhetoric about the mystical beauty of motherhood [not that motherhood isn’t beautiful, but let’s not pretend as though said beauty isn’t used against women as a way to get them to shut up and sit down]. I mean, one can hope, but I’m not holding my breath.

Forgive me for wanting to protect you, forgive me for being a gentleman and opening the door for your, forgive me for allowing you to make me “weaker,” forgive me for holding you to a higher standard you sometimes view as “oppression.”

Oh, like the higher standard that allows guys like you to high-five their dudebros upon getting laid, while the girl in the situation gets stuck with the label of “skank”? The higher standard that somehow makes you, a college senior who doesn’t have an freaking career yet, think you’re qualified to dispense wisdom on the military careers of women? That higher standard?

I know, I know. You want to bake a cake with rainbows. You just have a lot of feelings. You would shed tears, but you’re just way too manly.

Here’s what Robin Hood thinks of these shenanigans: