So let me get this straight – you slept with this guy…

… And, as one of my friends just pointed out – “whoops, he wasn’t who you thought he was.”

So the logical thing is, of course, to accuse him of rape. And then have him convicted. Of rape. By deception.

What if he had lied about his salary? His level of education? What if he had told you that he’s a great lover and he turned out to be one of these guys who lasts half a minute…?

What if this had been a Jewish dude looking to get laid in Jerusalem, and he’d decided that the best way to score was to tell some Arab woman that he’s actually an Arab? Think we would have heard about this one then? (Well, maybe. I don’t know. This isn’t necessarily a rhetorical question.)

Yes, the guy absolutely sounds like a sleazebag. And I am 100% certain that being confronted with his lies was a violating experience. I feel violated every time some dude lies to me about some crap. I can’t imagine how violated I would feel if a dude wound up lying to me about his actual identity.

And yes, I absolutely understand, that due to the complicated socio-political situation in Israel, these cases are way more complicated than what they look like on the outside. For all we know, this was a deliberate attempt by this guy to, above all else, shame and humiliate this woman (the fact that he apparently walked out before she even had the chance to dress herself is probably telling). And the shame and humiliation is something that’s borne out of a number of issues – you can’t be categorical about it. And that cannot be ignored.

Still, she could have sued him for fraud. Or just thrown her drink in his face at a party (I find Bloody Marys work best, in situations like this) and moved on. A criminal case sets a dangerous precedent.

A friend of mine recently developed a big crush on a guy in the course of a work assignment. They wound up sleeping together. The next day, she found that he had lied to her about a bunch of crap – including his name and, guess what, his criminal history. And I don’t mean a criminal history as in he got busted for shoplifting as a screwed-up teen many years ago. It was pretty horrible for her, and she spent the next few days spontaneously bursting into tears. She even took up smoking for those few days (and this is someone who has lectured me on my Parliaments very extensively). But then she moved on. She warned all of her friends about the creep, but she moved on.

And talking to her about it today, we both agreed that a rape case against the guy would have been ridiculous.

Speaking of anecdotes – I spent 6 years of my life with an Arab man who made me very happy. I get pretty tired of the assumption that “zomg Arab men are all rapists and violent terrorist bastards.” It’s a blanket assumption that many people make when confronted with cases like this, and it sucks.

10 thoughts on “So let me get this straight – you slept with this guy…

  1. Quite. This whole business has a very strong whiff of ‘Arab men are icky’ about it.

    It was a deeply unpleasant situation, but it’s not rape.

  2. Only a complete idiot would express the assumption (all arab men are rapist/terrorists) that you’re, oh, so ‘tired’ of hearing. How many such morons do you encounter anyway?

    What would you make of someone who states – I’m sick of hearing how all Germans are Nazis -?

    Iraqi reformist Dr. Abd Al-Khaleq Hussein explains how Arab society suffers from ‘split personality’ disorder and why. The link below also explains why the guy in question can’t pursue/engage in sexual or platonic intimacy within his own social circle.

    http://www.memri.org/report/en/0/0/0/0/0/0/1722.htm

    One other thing, the definition of rape, according to Israeli law, includes; “A male who has sex with a woman with her consent, which was elicited with deceit about the essence of the perpetrator or essence of the act”. (Paragraph 345(a)(2))

    That’s why his lawyer plea-bargained and why the judges only sentenced him to 18 months – when the minimal sentencing for rape is 4 years.

    As such, what I find sickening is the extend to which people will ignore and negate the violence/hatred/abuse perpetrated by ideological/cultural/religious mandates by pointing out the inherent decency in certain friends/lovers/acquaintances from said cultural background -never understanding that this form of moral aloofness/blindness is complicit with these very atrocities.

    So by all means, DO get it straight.

    all the best to you, -W

  3. The only thing he “lied” about was his name. SHE made the assumption he was Jewish. SHE made the assumption (wishful thinking maybe) that he was looking for a relationship. And SHE decided to have sex with him within a few minutes of meeting him.

  4. privet..
    ia znau ochen mnoga Rysskix divychek v Ammane, i mnoga iz nix jevyt c Arabame kak bare ile kak myj i jina i u nix vco otlichna

  5. It’ll never be ok to base stereotypes on why not to fall in love with someone. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I let bigotry shape my relationships.
    I love the edge you carry alongside your passion. Its sharp, yet compassionate and impossible to ignore.

  6. What would you make of someone who states – I’m sick of hearing how all Germans are Nazis -?

    Oh look, someone came and Godwinned all over the place while I was on vacation!

    I actually DO get quite sick of people who suggest that all Germans are Nazis at heart (or otherwise). And yes, this does mean having to on occasion tune out the grandmother who survived Nazi occupation.

  7. Are there still people around who are ignorant enough to suggest that all Germans are Nazis? Last I checked, the vast majority of young Germans and a good majority of the older ones are deeply embarassed by that nasty past. My German poli sci prof’s lectures on fascism kicked ass, though. Meticulous, impartial, and full of stuff I’d never heard of.

    I thought the current stereotypes of Germans had more to do with OCD ish cleaning habits and getting a little too round from heavy beer at a few too many soccer games 🙂

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