Family? What Family?

“Lecture on domestic violence cancelled over protests it could break up families.”

A family where violence is rampant is not a family to begin with. Families are based on mutual trust.

I’m not saying that people’s private lives should be all sunshine, all the time. Can a “good” family harbour darkness? Yes, to a degree. It was true a hundred years ago and will be true a hundred years from now. Even if the ultra-radical progressive folks one day come up with a perfect substitute for family, the darkness will still be there, it will just shape-shift to accommodate whatever new pattern of bonding we come up with.

However, this doesn’t mean that domestic violence should be acceptable in any society.

People aren’t perfect, we get that. Shit happens. To top it all off, divorce and separation aren’t joyful events (well, for some people they sure can be, especially if said people have been deeply unhappy and/or abused). But hey, funerals aren’t exactly joyful either, and we don’t outlaw them or stigmatize those that participate in them. And a person who willfully terrorizes and destroys another human being over time has crossed a very clear line.

What these people are really protesting is the notion of uppity wives suddenly getting it into their heads to leave the jerk that’s been smacking them around (or worse). The news article is gender-ambiguous, but we all know who suffers the most from domestic violence cases, especially in patriarchal societies.

It’s true of Japan, and it’s true of Ukraine, where I’m from. Women cake make-up on their bruises and insist they’re doing it “for the kids,” the kids who will go on to replicate (or subjugate themselves to) this very behaviour.

But the sacred cow of “family” cannot be invoked if it isn’t really there.

“So, what’s it like being in an ‘unconventional marriage,’ Evan?”

I did this interview following the publication of the “Vanya” interview below. Once again, the name “Evan” is not real.

Our exchange was inspired by Vanya’s peculiar (in my opinion) take on marriage. Continue reading ““So, what’s it like being in an ‘unconventional marriage,’ Evan?””

“So, why do you pay for it, Vanya?”

The following conversation took place while I was on one of my regular visits back home to Kiev, Ukraine. After I left, a number of points still needed to be clarified – and eventually were, through e-mail. The name Vanya is not the real name of the man I spoke with. In fact, all names here have been changed. Vanya is a friend of a friend of a friend. I do not know his last name, I do not know much about him in fact – all I know is that his family is relatively well-off, and that he is pretty young, early 20’s. I have had some trepidation about publishing our conversation here, but this recent discussion has convinced me to go ahead and do it. In particular, it was the repeated question of “what about the men who go to prostitutes” (I’m paraphrasing here) that has inspired me to take the plunge.

Natalia: So this probably seems weird.

Vanya: Sasha told me that you were a journalist, so not really, no.

Natalia: Well, I’m not really talking to you in any sort of professional capacity, and I don’t want to turn this into a thesis, so I’m going to try to be short and sweet about it, you’ve paid prostitutes for sex, right?

Vanya: Right.

Natalia: Can we talk about why?

Continue reading ““So, why do you pay for it, Vanya?””