I was raped a few years ago. I had liked and trusted the guy. It had started out as a completely consensual encounter. But at some point, after he had me alone, he began to hurt me. When I asked him to stop, he continued. He got off on my pain and terror. He was bigger, he was stronger. The humiliation and horror stay with me to this day.

I could not admit what happened. Forget admitting it to others, I could not admit it to myself. 

I denied that anything criminal had taken place. He “loves” me, I said. Things went “a little out of control.” He “cared” about my career, so it was fine. Sure, some parts of what happened had been “confusing” – but we all have those confusing nights, don’t we? We remained friends, or sort of friends. One time, I tried asking him why he did what he did. He coolly told me that he could’ve done worse.

If you knew this man, you would know him as intelligent, talented, popular. You would know his politics to be “correct.” You would know him to be brave. You would likely defend him. Not me. God, to this day, I still can’t imagine anyone defending me.

The experience changed me. It killed me, in a way. I still freeze up sometimes when I’m alone with a male friend. “Could he also…?”

After all, I was a feminist. I was already a vocal survivor of sexual abuse. I *knew my shit*. It hadn’t saved me.

Eventually, I began to admit the disastrous impact this incident had on my life. The evil of it, transmuting itself. I can’t say I’m healed. But at least I get it now. I know.

What I go back to is the girl I saw in the mirror on the morning after. I saw her bruises and saw the blood. Although my mind had already switched into denial mode – and would remain in denial mode for years – my reflection fought that narrative hard. I knew in that moment that if I went to the police they’d have a hard time turning me away.

I didn’t go. It would only destroy my reputation and turn everyone against me.

Neither did I want to destroy him. I didn’t want to hurt the people who were close to him. Looking back on it, I know I may have given him the chance to hurt others. I live with that too.

This isn’t a comment on the Pavlensky case. And it is a comment on the Pavlensky case.

You think you know someone. There are moments when I no longer know if I know anyone.

This is what violence does.

I originally posted a slightly different version of this text on Facebook as a response to all of the people who said that a great artist like Pyotr Pavlensky, who stands accused of sexually assaulting (and stabbing) a friend and colleague of mine from Moscow’s Teatr.doc, could not have possibly done what he did. Although I am naturally biased in this matter, this is not a comment on Pavlensky’s guilt or innocence. It’s a comment on the fact that we never really know what a person is capable of behind closed doors.

57 thoughts on “I was raped a few years ago

  1. Wow
    I was sexually molested twice when I was 9 years old (now I’m 23)!
    I did not want to tell anyone about it,I cried for years,I hated myself for years thinking that it was all my fault,when in reality I was in the wrong place,the wrong time.
    This had disastrous consequences on the way I perceive “males”. I was in unhealthy relationships,my partners abused me and I had nothing to do to defend myself, because I never thought that I deserve love and care. My father passed away when I was 7,and so the “unconditional love” was something I never knew or experienced.
    I have mentally grown to be a “feminist”,and now I am a feminist activist,spreading awareness, giving love life lessons to women who have fallen and trapped by these kind of “males”.

  2. I’m so sorry this happened to you. The awful thing is that this guy is probably doing the same thing to other women. And being respected/adored for his non-sexual activities.

    This isn’t the forum to voice personal experiences. But I have to say, when sexual trauma happens, it can take a very long time to even trust someone else to have sexual relationships with.

    My ex assaulted and raped me for more than half a year. I left the country to escape from his manipulation into continuing the relationship. Five years pass with no word until this week. He msgs me on my secret/anonymous Facebook and calls me a goddess. That he thinks I’m in the right track with my life. I don’t even know how he knows anything about my life because I’ve deleted all social media accounts in an effort for him not to know anything about me. Somehow he found my anonymous Facebook. This guy is an attempted murderer. Not only did he completely destroy my sexual autonomy and confidence but to this day I’m on guard that the freak is stalking me.

    Hoping someone loses interest doesn’t feel like enough. Unfortunately nothing else I can do. Womanhood.

  3. Writing like you did in your honesty is what needs to be read. As an older woman, I can say that one in every four of my friends have been raped. I honestly have no idea how to change that. I was abused in a marraige and found I just needed to leave as I was half of the problem, and I left without a trace. He later was abused by his new fiancee, as what goes around comes around. Thank you!

  4. I followed Pavlensky’s work and legal cases for an extensive period of time.

    How interesting that you would come forward with this story now, now that he has been accused of assault.

    Something here doesn’t wash.Only the Kremlin benefits from Pavlensky flight abroad. I read your post multiple times and the sob story is nothing a subtle way of casting doubt on Pavlensky’s story, reminding us of the old adage that “men do bad things sometimes.”

    A course in media literacy will explain to anyone willing to educate themselves us that nobody comes forward with bombshell stories for zero reason. You have a following as a Russia-watcher and suddenly “I was raped……..”? Something doesn’t wash indeed.

  5. @HellsBells — “Only the Kremlin benefits from Pavlensky flight abroad.”

    Kremlin clearly benefits, to be sure. But if Pavlensky’s alleged crime is absolutely nothing more than a Kremlin setup, then an astonishing number of Pavlensky’s professional colleagues must be involved in the cover-up. One of Pavlensky’s colleagues, Ms. Gremina, says that Pavlensky’s crime was caught on a security camera (if I recall correctly). If you’re going to accuse Natalia Antonova of being part of a Kremlin-backed conspiracy, then you’ll have to spread your net very broadly indeed to include Pavlensky’s artistic colleagues who take the alleged victim’s side. They can’t all be conspirators.

  6. @HellsBells — “Only the Kremlin benefits”

    If Pavlensky’s alleged crime was nothing more than a Kremlin setup, then the Kremlin cut off its nose to spite its face. Before his flight to Paris, Pavlensky was practically unknown in the West. Now he’s a minor celebrity who can make a plausible case that he’s a persecuted dissident. If the Kremlin really found Pavlensky troublesome, they should have just locked him up on trumped-up charges. He was practically unknown to ‘ordinary’ Russians to begin with. But now he’s an online celebrity. Bad move, Kremlin.

  7. This was a tough read, but an important story. I sometimes think we’re only now moving towards talking about consent in a mature way. I’m sorry you felt that you couldn’t come forward earlier, that’s a sad fact.

  8. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Crime is crime whether guilt is inside family or in a friend circle. Crime will grow if left unchecked. Anyway, you have come forward in another way (blogging), it’s an alert call to each and every girl.

  9. I am sorry for anyone that has been through that. My ex was supposably raped. It is wrong for anyone to do that to another. I will say this though my ex put herself in harm’s way she was married to me and was going out behind my back with other men she was on 4 dating sites. On one of her dates the guy forced himself on her to have sex. I found this through our therapist session and asked her to file a police report she would not she said it was her fault, I am not sure if that’s how most Ukraine women think. I do not know how true this event was I actually do not believe her. I uncovered that she went out with 18 other men after that and had sex with about half some of them even married. She even took her son on some of the dates to hide her cheating. She told her son that it was ok to do this so they could get a better house and richer husband. She instructed him to throw out the gifts and flowers these men gave her and to lie to me. She even lied when she was caught by my daughter and made me believe my daughter was lying and making things up. These acts have left a scar on me I do not trust women much at this point.
    Women if you do get raped please file a police report. Do not let this person get away with it if not for yourself please do it for the other women and children. No man or women has a right to do this to you if they get away with it they will do it again and again. Please also do not put yourself in a situation that you might be harm’s way. Do not teach your sons or daughters that it is ok to cheat on your spouse.

  10. So sorry to hear of your experience. Yes, there are upstanding, charismatic, intelligent, well-respected men who in private drop their masks, and assault and rape.

    As to Pavlensky:
    How his various public acts of self-mutilation – sewing his lips shut, exhibiting himself as a carcass wrapped in barbed wire, nailing his scrotum to the ground, cutting off his earlobe – were ever elevated to the status of “art” is utterly beyond me.
    A man who commits extreme violence against himself is capable of inflicting it on others. Yes, that is self-evident. No this is not high-brow.
    He was never the nice man you thought you knew.

  11. Thank you for being so honest and up front about this. I’m sorry you have this burden to carry. You are helping so many with this <3. People are too quick to defend in cases of sexual assault, but the fact of the matter is, you don't know who someone is behind closed doors.

  12. You are such a strong woman. I admire you. It’s true what you say about the fact that we never end up knowing a person 100 percent; I’ve learnt this also through time. Even though these events happened and made us who we are, we must never forget that there are still few people out there that are worthy of our trust.

  13. I’ve been reading/ commenting here for a really long time, but today I am going to post under anonymous. First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. Secondly, I understand fully and completely why you didn’t go the police and how hard it is. During the second half of our marriage, my husband actually took to using sex in inescapably cruel, dominating and terrible ways. The ONLY person who knows this is my therapist, and now you and your readers, I guess – I haven’t even been able to tell my very best friends. Everyone thinks I left because of his alcoholism that he won’t get treatment for, and that’s true – but they don’t know about the sexual assaults. I would NEVER be able to sleep in the same home as him again – I don’t feel safe when we are in the same town on occasion. And yet – I couldn’t report it. And he may remarry. And I live with the fact that some other woman might go through that, too. I don’t know – my first order of business has been saving myself and protecting my kids. Now that that has been accomplished, I am not sure where to go from here. All my love, Natalia.

  14. Wow, it’s really brave of you to share what is obviously a distressing incident for you. As much sympathy as a stranger can offer you, I offer it to you. I cannot pretend to know what it would be like to have to witness something like that, but reading stories like yours brings me as close as is possible to understand how it must have felt for you, so thank you so much. I really wish you all the best.

  15. Hey, I read your article with sadness and sorrow. No man must hurt a woman. I cannot vouch for other cultures, but in our religion we name a girl “kaur”, which means a princess. A kaur is a reminder to any man, to treat a girl like a princess. You are a princess and you deserve to be treated like one! Namaste and love, Guru Sarbie.

  16. If you were really raped, and this isn’t a stunt for publicity, why are you on Twitter protesting the Muslim Ban? Genuine question. I want to know why a woman who was violated once has no problem with hostile men who want to come to our country to violate others. Most rapists are either Mexican or Muslim and I find it interesting that you don’t reveal the identity of the man who raped you (covering up so your PC friends won’t know the truth?..)

    If he was Mexican/Muslim, you should just admit it. White men have respect for white women, something you should appreciate.

  17. You’re right! I was raped by a Mexican Muslim! – who’s also gay, Jewish, an abortion doctor, and member of the Liberal Elite™.

    I can’t admit it, because I’m worried the PC police will take me to reeducation camp and make me watch Meryl Streep movies until I go insane.

    P.S. I genuinely can’t decide if you’re a troll or just that ignorant. Going to ask you to seek help, either way.

  18. If someone rapes you, go to the hospital and call the police.

    These declarations of rape without the above are getting tedious.

    Maybe screen who you allow yourself to get close to?

    You want privacy but then you blame the police for your rape.

    This is why I voted Trump.

    And this is why he won.

    You are a silly girl and need to know that.

  19. Hey dude, Hugh Jass, huh? I’m all for body positivity, but there’s just something about huge asses on men I find a bit meh. Maybe go entertain someone who’s into that sort of thing instead? It’s a big internet out there, I hear. Buh bye now.

  20. Boo hoo, so sorry this happened to you. Face it however, you did it to yourself. No woman as much as lets a man touch her if she doesn’t ‘read’ him. I guarantee that were ‘reading’ the guy but still chose to be alone with him. Own your dumb decision?

    You literally have no idea that your the walking exemplification of why we need more and not less Christian values in this country. Blame yourself for what happened? Cool, you need to. Every woman of childbearing age could maybe consider men’s instincts when being alone with them? It’s science, look it up.

  21. I do not, for one minute, believe that anyone takes this shit about “women reading men” seriously. If you’re not living on a desert island/are a monk in seclusion, you interact with women daily. Face it, a good percentage of those women have been assaulted or have dealt with an attempted assault. You can spew whatever bullshit you want, but underneath your proclamations that all of those women could “read” their assailants and are therefore somehow responsible for the crime is simple fear. And, I’m guessing, a hefty dose of I’m a Nice Guy (TM) and women are all fucked-up bitches who only sleep with guys who aren’t nice.

    Sorry you’re a coward and an entitled douchebag. Have a nice life.

  22. Yeah this is for Mr. “Christian values” up there. I haven’t been to church in a long time, but I’m pretty sure we were told not to rape people. In fact, we were told not to have sex with anyone unless we were married, because apparently God doesn’t want any genitalia touching unless there’s a legally binding contract or something, but that’s another comment I guess.

    Anyway, such values require one to exercise discipline even in spite of any alleged “instincts,” so in a society with more Christian values no woman would have a good reason to fear being alone with a man, right?

    On second thought, don’t answer that- we both know that a Christian wouldn’t blame a rape victim for their attack, and you’re not really a Christian at all. More likely you just get some kind of satisfaction out of telling people you’re a Christian.

    As for your “science,” I was going to ask you for some peer reviewed papers to back up your assertion that I, as a male, have a hard-wired uncontrollable instinct to rape things. But now I’m thinking your level of scientific knowledge is considerably lower than you’d have us believe. That’s okay though, I will help you rectify this situation!

    Let’s start with a basic, beginner level science experiment you can do right at home! The subject is chemistry. I want you to go to the cabinet underneath your kitchen sink. There you will find various brightly-colored chemicals. Who knows what they really are or what they do? There’s only one way to be sure- take a good-sized gulp from each container.

    Write your results in the comments here!

    GOOD LUCK, JUNIOR SCIENTIST!

  23. There are some cases where rape is not just inevitable but justifiable. Consider a member of the armed forces returning from a war in which he mostly likely never got close to a single woman. You are not going to be alone with a man like that in his first day of normal life. Or if you are going to be alone with him, you would be prepared for consequences and would have zero moral right in “crying rape.”

    Do I think that all men everywhere are owed? Absolutely not and it would be a pretty screwed up world if they were. But if it’s a man who protects your country or otherwise puts himself on the line, the least a cute little thing like can do for him is help him relieve his tension. It’s an unpopular opinion as of late but only because the voices of real men with masculine jobs are not included in our media. I fully believe that there is a class component to this discussion. You can take it or leave it.

    You don’t seem like a bad person however. I like your Guardian columns. Your picture is cuter here than it is on their website. They’re worried about you not looking “smart enough” with the blonde? But I like your hair. You should be more careful around men. Maybe you didn’t know what that one guy was capable of, but if he was in fact a member of the armed forces you don’t have an excuse.

  24. JT, I suspect you’re just trying to be edgy, but let me play Devil’s advocate for a bit.

    A little over a week ago I was extremely busy and throughout the day never had any time to actually eat a normal meal. By your logic, it’s only understandable that I might swipe some food from a street vendor. They should have taken better care to secure their property knowing that there are extremely hungry people out there. Stealing is justified in that case.

    Or you know, my economic situation isn’t the greatest- maybe I’m justified in robbing people.

    Also, you seem like a complete fucking moron, the kind of which the internet has way too many of. I guess I’d be justified brutally beating you with a baseball bat.

    Common sense, people!

  25. I’m going to try to respond seriously, because I am just that much disturbed by what you just wrote here, JT.

    You’re making the argument that a veteran is automatically defective – that he can’t want a woman and be wanted back, that there has to be an element of violence and coercion to it, a woman just “doing her duty,” as opposed to liking a guy and, hey, just wanting his dick.

    War = a stressful environment for everyone. But nobody is talking about how our female veterans (or, for that matter, women caught up in war zones) are “owed” sex. You can make the argument that, “Oh, but men are just naturally more sexually aggressive,” but that still doesn’t explain how they are “owed” another person’s body. Let’s say I’m feeling physically aggressive today – does this mean you owe it to me for me to punch you in the head? Just to relieve the tension?

    Answer me this: What if a super brave, super decorated veteran comes home and all he wants is to rape a little boy? A single little boy. As a reward for his valor. Is this still OK? I am guessing you will say “no.” You’re not conditioned to view little boys as sex objects. Well, dude, women are human beings too. As a species, we’ve had a hard time recognizing that. But so what? We also had a hard time recoginzing slavery as horrifying once upon a time.

    You also appear to be under the impression that rape is just a little bit of “tension relief.” In fact, violence begets violence. Statistically speaking, you tend to have a small population of men committing a hefty percentage of sexual assault in, say, the United States. Those dudes are violent. They started somewhere, they got away with it, they kept going. What you’re arguing for is violence and more violence. Which is not how you deal with the aftermath of war and adjusting to peacetime.

    Yes, there is definitely a class element to this discussion. You’re just not pinpointing it. In fact, you’re engaging in your own bit of discrimination. You’re reducing the members of our armed forces to animals and are saying, “Give the animals a bone to chew on.”

    There are all kinds of men who join the military. And I don’t think anyone would argue that returning from deployment can’t be a huge mindfuck. Or that there aren’t really uncomfortable discussions to be had about the military and sex and consent (read Phil Klay’s fiction on the subject, for one thing). But if you’re saying, “Let’s give our boys a chance to rape people, woo!” then you’re not engaging any of these topics. You’re just trading in stereotypes and grotesque caricatures.

  26. Noticed how you completely ignored my comment about your hair. Can’t take a compliment?

    I’m not reducing anyone to anything. I’m saying that you have no idea about what men in the armed forces are really like, as typical of upper-class liberal white women who went to expensive colleges. And that sometimes what you call “rape” is not rape at all. Which has no bearing on your individual situation which I do actually have a degree of sympathy for, OK?

  27. Sorry Jim, but sex is more complicated than stealing food. It’s hard-wired into us. I have never served in the military but I try to be understanding of guys who have. I find your lack of respect for the issue I just brought up to be just more liberal white-washing bullshit. You would rather ignore reality.

  28. You know, JT, it doesn’t surprise me that you haven’t served in the military. Your guess as to why that is.

    Unlike you, I have served, and I’m preparing to serve yet again in another. You don’t know jack shit about the military or reality so you can take your offense and shove it up your ass, snowflake.

  29. “Sorry Jim, but sex is more complicated than stealing food. It’s hard-wired into us.”

    Yes, sex is hard-wired into us but EATING TO LIVE isn’t. That’s brilliant dipshit. Sex and eating are both connected to the same reward center of the brain. That’s what “hard-wired” means you fucking dolt.

    Please, tell me more about “reality” and the military you never served in.

  30. I can take a compliment – I just choose to not respond to compliments from men who think I’m a piece of sentient meat to be served up to whoever wants me as long as that whoever wears a uniform.

    You haven’t responded to any of my arguments, and your assumptions are pretty hilarious. I’d never use anyone I’ve been close to make some sort of shitty rhetorical point about a bunch of other people, for one thing. There is over a million active personnel in the U.S. alone. You’ve basically just labeled the majority of these people rapists. Awesome way to be “understanding.”

  31. I honestly have no idea how people like that manage to reach advanced ages and hold down jobs without killing themselves in some accidental but ultimately hilarious way.

  32. So you’re only grateful to guys you agree with. What a narcissist.

    Jim, I don’t believe you’ve served or else your bullshit liberalism would have been checked long ago. Call it like I see it.

  33. JT, I don’t give a shit what you believe because you’ve already demonstration a total lack of basic reasoning skills.

    I am not a liberal. The fact that you think that nobody in the military has liberal or left-wing views just shows how out of touch you are with material reality. You already admitted you never served, so your whole idea of the military is shaped largely by pop-culture and others.

    That makes your opinion utterly worthless.

    If being self-disciplined enough not to rape people is “bullshit liberalism,” you had seriously better pull your head out of your ass real quickly. That’s all I can say.

  34. YoU call it self-discipline, I call it awarding the troops some respect. And recognizing that yes in fact society owes them something.

    Speaking of actual direspect, Natalia, I really was not trying to do that to you, come on. I think you disrespect yourself when you argue that there was no way that what happened to you could not have been prevented (though I do not at all JUDGE you based on that situation, rather I have introduced hypotheticals to the discussion).

  35. Um, “we owe our veterans as a society” is radically different from “we should offer our veterans comfort women to rape and abuse,” Jesus Christ.

    As for the rest of it, I honestly don’t care if you judge me or not. At minimum, you seem to have serious issues with women & fetishizing the military. I’ve tried to respond reasonably and calmly, but it is very obvious that I am not getting through.

  36. “YoU call it self-discipline, I call it awarding the troops some respect. And recognizing that yes in fact society owes them something.”

    Do you even understand English?

  37. Twitter is full of liberal scum and fake vets, so joke’s on you and on them, sweetheart. But don’t worry, I still think you’re cute, if a little dumber than I thought previously. Going to talk to the military on Twitter is like going to talk to ISIS on OKCupid.

  38. Sounds to me like your acquaintances are fake vets. But hey- whatever it takes to maintain your bubble so your childlike fantasy of the world doesn’t crumble, forcing you to think on your own.

    BTW- You realize this isn’t Twitter, right?

  39. Okay I get the Twitter thing now, but that’s just fine because now I know you’ve just called even more vets fakes. What that tells me is that sooner or later, you’ll shoot your mouth off at the wrong venue and next thing you know it’ll be wired shut for a few weeks.

    I think your main problem is the inability to grasp that you’re not fooling anyone. What I mean is that you’ve already basically told everyone who can view this conversation that you’re a complete utter moron.

    Remember when you implied that sex is hard-wired but eating isn’t? Yeah- that doesn’t come off too good.

    Be honest with us though- you know you’re a retard right? I mean you’re conscious of it. You’ve been told by medical professionals or perhaps an educational professional? Please just tell me and I’ll be done with you.

  40. But, IT_Oregon — you haven’t shown any sings of understanding the arguments Natalia made, or reacting to them. She made you a number of questions, and you ignore them (e.g., if a vet wants to rape a little boy, is it OK if he really worked hard to defend our country and put his life on the line? If instead of sex he just wants to punch someone on the face — just to relieve the tension, he suffered so much), is it OK?

    I think the main problem is that you think for women having sex is like, I don’t know, smiling and being friendly — you know, something you can do if you have a heart. From the old “it costs me so little and he likes it so much” school of thought. That it doesn’t matter if sad vet does nothing for them — they can just sigh and take one for the team, after all the guy did protect us, right?

    So I ask myself: if a female veteran (let’s say, one who has a stronger than average sex drive) wanted to do the same, would you tell the guy she fancies also to “take one for the team” and do hear — even if she’s as ugly as sin, at least in his opinion? Would you say to him, “close your eyes and think of England, ehn, of the USA! And just do her already!” even if he doesn’t want to at all?

    I’m really curious. You like hypotheticals, Natalia threw some at you and I’m throwing them again. How would your system work in these cases? Which solution would you suggest?

  41. I was avoiding a reply because this is just incredibly simple-minded stuff. No, it’s not OK for a soldier to rape a little boy. It’s not OK for a female veteran to rape anyone. And as I myself have pointed out many times now, rape is generally not OK (so thank you for twisting my words on Twitter, Natalia, it really shows the worth of your “honest journalism”).

    There are however laws of nature which clearly state that the only real and natural pairing is between a man and a woman. A man is *naturally* inclined to fuck women (sorry if that infringes on your delicate sensibilities Natalia, but I am guess as a wife and mother and “artist’s model” or whatever you probably know what I am talking about). A man back home from the battlefield is going to be inclined more. Unfortunate situations do arise out of that but if neither you nor the fake “vets” you follow on Twitter give a shit about that – and have no care for honesty – it’s entirely your right.

  42. I didn’t “twist” anything. All I did was take a screenshot. A bunch of military/ex-military people found your comment disturbing. I found it *extremely* disturbing, which is why I posted it in the first place. I wanted to know what the veterans I follow think about statements like that.

    You take a pretty dim view of both men and women. And I guess you’re a homophobe as well. And you clearly think our veterans are no better than rabid dogs. I feel bad for you but I’m also done engaging this nonsense.

  43. But, JT_Oregon, this is not simple-minded. Some of the pairing suggested above (the female vet who wants to rape a guy) are just as “natural” in the sense of being heterosexual. It’s really a test of where your moral priorities lie.

    You don’t even like this situation to be called “rape”, something I can often sympathize with (I also think the word ‘rape’ is often overused). But this is again based on what I mentioned — that for women it’s “easy” to have sex anytime with someone just because they think he “deserves” it. Again, would you have sex with a woman just because she “deserves” the sex (she’s a vet, her life was on the line, she protected us, etc.), even if she was repulsive to you?

    In other words, it seems you think it’s easy for a woman to “just say yes” when there is some reason other than her wanting it for her to have sex with someone (your hypothetical vet). I dispute that. I don’t think it’s that easy, and you’re not commenting on this, or giving any opinion on this. It’s as if you’re avoiding the topic.

  44. Reblogged this on My Half Full Vault and commented:
    I have come to understand that the people who hurt us most are those close to us,whom we have come to trust over time.You think you know someone,really you don’t know anyone except yourself.
    It’s okay if you go through moments when you no longer know if you know anyone,you are meant to go through it and discover more about yourself like going through a stage and not go with it-stuck in that stage for life.

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