It was made official a few days ago – Kyle Payne will go to jail. His blog was correctly described by the County Attorney as “narcissistic.” I’m glad that the prosecution saw what we all pretty much saw: a guy making excuses, deeply sorry at the fact that he was caught, and not much else. A guy convinced that it was All About Him, even while paying lip-service to the victim.
Chillingly, when the victim read a statement in court, she mentioned the possibility that not all of the details of the night of her assault have come to light, saying that it is only Kyle who truly knows what happened. She will have to live with her assault, and her uncertainty over the details, for the rest of her life. In light of this, it’s hard to feel sympathy for Kyle Payne, even in spite of the fact that he is a survivor of abuse as well.
I’ve been trying to stay away from all of this. I didn’t want to blog about it initially, because thinking about this debacle makes me feel physically ill. I’m a big girl, I can handle my own feelings, but Kyle Payne’s latest update to his statement is so full of WRONG that I have to wonder if he’s taking some sort of perverse pleasure from all of the attention he’s been getting.
None of us are without sin. I fully believe in that. But Kyle, knowing very well the nature of his transgression, continues to play little mind-games with himself and the world. His writing is basically saying that gosh, it’s such tough business, not assaulting women! Toiling in the fields is nothing compared to that! A man who goes an entire day without assaulting a woman wipes the sweat from his brow at suppertime and sighs deeply, every bone in his body creaking from exhaustion. Dear God, when will society build a monument to his unwavering courage and strength? Where are the twelve gun salutes? The fireworks bursting in the evening as children gaze upward in wonder? The flame burning eternally at the grave of the Unknown Unrapist? Alas, cruel world!
Seriously now, what the hell is up with using all of this rhetoric when describing what he did – “this act of male dominance”? Are you joking? It’s called an “assault,” Kyle, and, surprise surprise, you do not use the term once!
I just love these little games being played – “the victim” instead of “my victim,” “patriarchal system” instead of “boy, I am an asshole for doing what I did, and in no way would I shift the responsibility away from myself!”
Honestly, Kyle (and anyone else who may be listening), everything is much simpler than you make it out to be. A man who does not rape, assault, or abuse women does not deserve a medal, just like I don’t deserve a medal for not running out into the street and slashing the tires on a truck that parks nearby and starts honking incessantly at 5:45 a.m. Basic human goodness is just that, basic human goodness.
Grow up. Learn the meaning of the word “no.” Learn the meaning of the word “narcissist.” And for God’s sake, stop using your blog to have some sort of protracted conversation with your victim (yes, YOUR victim, not “the” victim). I doubt she wants your attention any more than the rest of us do.
Natalia A. 
Once again, you baffle me. He is going to jail. He has apologized. Do you want him to publicly immolate himself?
You honestly consider this self-serving bullshit extravaganza an “apology”? Or perhaps you are merely unfamiliar with the fact how this guy kept blogging and pretending to be a feminist ally after being arrested? Or maybe you see nothing wrong with a liar who is still trying to manipulate the people he has betrayed, starting with his VICTIM?
But hell, what do I know, I’m just a meanie who dares chastise a criminal narcissist.
That man is truly vomit-inducing. Good that he got jail. Why he continues to have access to his blog, I don’t know. But maybe I don’t understand the prison system.
Yikes.
Pompy: No, I don’t want him to immolate himself, because that would once again focus attention on himself, which is exactly what he wants.
I want him to rot in prison, with no access to the Internet or other mass communication medium.
Dude, do you not understand that Payne RAPED a woman? Calling it “sexual assault” is just a cover and a euphemism for what he did.
In addition, he violated the trust of countless women who he “counseled” at a rape crisis center, with the intention of collecting their stories, WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, into a book that would be nothing more than a wank-fest.
Six months doesn’t come even close to a fraction of what he should have got.
Note to Pompy:
What enrages Natalia and other bloggers is that Kyle Payne’s apology reveals that he is still a sociopath, through the unyielding quality of his narcissism, which is typical for a compulsive sexual predator.
Natalia’s phrase “criminal NARCISSIST” (capitalization added) accurately sums up what is going on in Kyle Payne’s mind. Kyle Payne, online and in the courtroom, is a nonstop performer who compulsively parrots the terminology of insight and remorse, in order to gain approval and escape further punishment.
I say “compulsively parrots” because, at this point, it’s obviously counterproductive. He doesn’t seem to realize that, by now, people see through his ‘apology,’ making his fakery self-defeating.
That’s where his malignant (out-of-control) narcissism comes in. It’s been said that malignant narcissists are so lacking in empathy and so fixated on their initial success at deceiving people, that they frequently can’t tell when their victims are no longer deceived.
If Kyle Payne ever gains enough self-awareness and empathy to feel genuine remorse, he might actually work to change his behavior. Otherwise, he’ll likely remain pathic and keep looking for opportunities to commit crimes. That’s why people detest him.
Sorry to ramble on like this, but Pompy doesn’t seem to understand what is implied by Natalia’s phrase “criminal narcissist.” Pompy, if he has time, might want to Wiki the term “narcissistic personality disorder” to get basic information and further references.
I also think Natalia is right to call him out on that “story telling” he’s doing to make his acts seem better in his own mind. That is such dangerous territory, bending what happened and choosing words carefully so that in his own mind he is NOT wrong, he is NOT as bad as they say. How can he be truely apologetic if he can’t even look at his acts and honestly cop to them in his own mind?
I agree with Observer and GG so much.
I think Emily’s analyses summed Payne up pretty well
http://aemeliae.vox.com/library/post/feminist-men.html
http://aemeliae.vox.com/library/post/yes-kyle-payne-once-again.html
Anyway, the “boy, not raping women is hard” theme shows up with disturbing regularity in literature, both classical and modern. The examples that come most readily to mind are in McTeague when he struggles to not take advantage of one his patients while she’s under and wins because he loves her and defeats the beats inside himself, and this crap Piers Anthony book I read once where two sisters kept magically switching sexes and when either turned into a man they’d rape the other one because of they were filled with urges men have all the time but didn’t know how to control them. If I hadn’t just driven all day I’m sure I could think of better examples, and Piers is the creepiest motherfucker ever to write sci fi/fantasy (which is saying something), so that shouldn’t come as any surprise, but still I’m amazed at how much currency the idea can carry. I seem to remember a European judge saying something to the effect of it being incredibly hard for men to resist the temptation to rape a passed out woman, and of course there’s Al-Hilali’s whole “judge with no mercy” routine about how a poor guy just acting out an impulse to rape non-hijabis unjustly suffers in prison.
Anyway, Payne is an asshole, for reasons that others have given and I’ve shared my views of him here before, and I have to agree that he’s an insufferable, pathologically narcissistic piece of work. The people who seem charitably inclined towards him (which thankfully are few so far) are missing something huge; Payne’s act was not a one-time indiscretion, bad as that would have been, but an ongoing crime against his victim as he’s kept that video at hand since he did it, and was only caught because of possible child pornography on his computer. It’s not a guy who made a mistake and humbly apologized, it’s a guy who committed a horrific crime, and cried crocodile tears when he was caught and had the brass balls to try to act like he’s the victim here or something. He should get down on his knees and thank god that his dumb ass only got six months in county.
I take back my words. A close reading of Kyle Payne’s blog sent chills down my spine. A classic narcissist. I apologize for not seeing it sooner.
RE: My prior Meebo message concerning the spelling in your header.
I apologize for my annoying and dimwitted lecture on spelling. I simply wasn’t thinking. I have no right to lecture anyone on how they compose their own posts, whether on spelling or anything else. From now on, I’ll stay more self-aware when posting, and stay determined to break this
habit that I thought I had overcome. Again, I apologize.
It’s just a typo – they happen. And it’s fine to point them out.
Could we get his blog taken down? I could do the leg work, I have no personal connection to this case, but I was equally outraged at what I saw as one of the most disgraceful violations of trust I have seen in a while.
He is almost as bad as a pedophile. His grooming techniques were ingenius, this man is going to keep preying on women when he gets out.
I think the best we can do is not read it. And warn others about it and Kyle Payne’s entire “caring” persona.