“Do Marines like cake?” “Does God have a butt?” Conversations with a five-year-old

“Do Marines like cake?” “Does God have a butt?” Conversations with a five-year-old

“Mommy, you’re a hippo.”
“I’m a what?! Why?!”
“You’re a mommy hippo. Because I want to be a baby hippo.”
“Oh.”
“I’m a baby hippo, but I’m also Denzel.”
“So like a baby hippo whose name is Denzel?”
“No, sometimes I’m a baby hippo, other times I’m Denzel.”
“OK.”
“Mommy, you’re also a baby strawberry.”
“WHY AM I A BABY STRAWBERRY?”
“Because it sounds nice. Daddy is a watermelon.”
“OK.”

***

“Are Marines allowed to ride in elevators by themselves?”
“Yes.”
“Do they have guns?”
“Yes.”
“And unicorns?”
“What?”
“They wear unicorns?”
“Uniforms!”
“Mommy, you’re laughing too hard. You’ll pee yourself if you don’t stop.”
“Says the kid who accuses Marines of wearing unicorns.”
“Do Marines have to eat dinner?”
“Yes.”
“What if they don’t like their dinner?”
“I’m pretty sure they just buck up and eat it anyway?”
“So they don’t cry?”
“Not over stupid stuff like dinner.”
“What do Marines cry about?”
“Serious stuff. Probably.”
“Like when people die?”
“Like when people die.”
“Does everyone die?”
“Eventually, yes.”
“Do Marines like cake?”
“Of course they do.”  Continue reading ““Do Marines like cake?” “Does God have a butt?” Conversations with a five-year-old”

Sixteen people to not hang out with in 2016

Sixteen people to not hang out with in 2016

Happy New Year!

I’ve been accused of being “too negative” around the blogosphere lately. “Cheer up, Natalia,” a bunch of you are saying. “Stop using indelicate words and hating on people quite as much.” I’m sure most of you have a point. But since none of you will read me if I’m going to go all zen and peace-love-and-incense-sticks on you this year (admit it. It’s true), here’s a definitive list of people you should resolve to avoid in 2016 (and all subsequent years too).  Continue reading “Sixteen people to not hang out with in 2016”

Dear God, Seth Rogen, Rape is Rape

Happy Easter to everyone on the Gregorian Calendar! Sorry the subject matter of this post is not more…er… fluffy bunny-esque.

When I saw the ads for “Observe & Report,” I already knew it probably wasn’t going to be my type of movie. I like Seth Rogen and Anna Faris, and I find Jody Hill likable as well, but the bleak humour of the premise didn’t strike me as particularly awesome, just bleak.

I’ve worked in a mall before, I’m even one of those strange little people who enjoys malls (cue a self-righteous know-it-all with a lecture on my post-Soviet consumerist nihilism) – probably because there’s something about the impersonal atmosphere that feels cozy and safe. Malls contain their own weird, scary, even pretty stories, but this movie seemed like the type that was shocking for the sake of being shocking, and I’m not usually into that.

Then, of course, I realized that Seth Rogen’s character rapes an unconscious woman for the sake of… what? Nervous laughter? A certain “edginess”  I’m just not hip or daring enough to appreciate?

Murder gets played for laughs all the time, you might say, so what makes the scene in “Observe & Report” any different? Well, there is the fact that murder has a very clear definition: bang, boom, someone’s dead. On the other hand, Seth Rogen (and, presumably, director Jody Hill) has actually claimed that what happens in this film isn’t rape:

Continue reading “Dear God, Seth Rogen, Rape is Rape”

AHAHAHA. A how-to guide on being a Jordanian Suberstar

OK, so now that I am done rolling on the floor and screaming with laughter into the ruined rug (bloody red wine), I’d like to share this video with you all:

It’s funnier if you understand at least some Arabic, but even if you don’t – if you’ve ever been to Jordan, especially to neighbourhoods such as Abdoun in Amman, you’ll get the gist.

Oh, and Ammari’s voice is gorgeous.

Hat-tip to And Far Away.

P.S. One of my boyfriend’s cousins is in this. He’s the cute one. Well, they’re all cute. But you know. The extra-special related-to-boyfriend type cute. 😉

Sexy Movies Fail

Because it’s been a horrible few days (folks who have e-mailed – I shall e-mail you back, just give me a moment to process, so I don’t sound like a moron), and, therefore, some lulz are desperately needed in this corner of cyberspace – here is Joe Sapien on “Sexy Movies that Make You Want to Stab Yourself.”

A word of advice – do not attempt to dredge up that Jack Nicholson & Jessica Lange clip from “The Postman Always Rings Twice” re-make. It might possibly ruin your day. Or life. Depending on how fragile you are.

I had to do it for professional reasons, but my life feels good and ruined already – so it’s OK.